This is a Song to Myself

Album cover of Irish rock band Picture This

If you haven’t heard Picture This’s new anthem “Song to Myself” get on it right now. It’s up there in my top 5 songs of theirs (Everything I Need being #1). Some of the lyrics in this brand-new song really resonated with me, so much so that it felt like I could have written it myself (if I had Ryan Hennessy’s songwriting abilities). But that’s how close I feel to it, I believe I am not the only one reacting to the song this way, as the internet has spoken and the response has been big. Some of the comments left on the official YouTube music video say:

“This is going to be one of those songs that will make fans angry when someone covers it and doesn't do it justice ️ Bit like “Take Me to Church” by Hozier or “Zombie” by The Cranberries. They're all untouchable songs. This song hits home for a lot of people.”

“The song I needed as a teenager, such a shame that too many people will be able to relate to this I’m thankful that my own darkness wasn’t as deep as others, but so glad that I didn’t drown in my own thoughts either! Thank you Picture This for writing, recording, and releasing such an amazing song x”

It’s pretty big praise to be compared to iconic Irish artists like Hozier and The Cranberries and Picture This deserves every bit of this pedestal. Below I have put together some of the lyrics from the song that I feel most connected to and why they stand out to me personally. This blog started as an Instagram post but I had way too much to vent and talk about to share with both you and me.

For starters we have: 

And I wish

That I didn't compare myself like this,

I know it's bad for my mental health

Comparison

Comparison is part and parcel of our lives today and is completely the fault of the internet and social media platforms. I strive to not compare myself to anyone online because as we know the internet is not real life, it is an alternative, curated reality. But I am only human and it is natural to do this, especially down the rabbit hole of Instagram’s “Explore”. Apart from the physical and superficial things such as clothes, makeup, and appearance I sometimes covet strangers who look so “happy” and “content”. How can you tell these things from a digital picture? We have no idea how anyone is feeling or the environment they’re in for these pictures. So, why is it so easy to idealise their lives? 

Timelines

At the ripe age of 25, it’s also easy to think about what others my age are doing and where do I fit into their timelines. This is mistake number one because we’re all on our own timelines. I see people my age and younger that are married, have kids, and have a house. I wish them nothing but the best but that life is so far away from what I want from mine right now. And that’s okay, I still feel hard done by that COVID took those 2 precious years of my early twenties. They weren’t bad years for me necessarily, my family was safe and healthy, I got my degrees and had plenty of options for furthering my career. But those two years changed many paths in my life and little did I think I would be beginning my second year in Liverpool with CM.

In the final few lines, Ryan sings: 

Fall into love with yourself as you get older

You know you started all this so finish it out

Don't even care if anyone's listening now

Confidence

Falling in love with someone else can be hard enough, how can I begin to fall in love with myself? It’s interesting, during the pandemic and in those few months when we were beginning to return to normal, I thought my positive body image mentality was the strongest it’s ever been. Despite the pandemic, I was in a really good headspace and really confident in my actions. But who was I being confident to, my family and close friends who know everything about me? My body confidence has definitely taken a knock in the past year. 

Massive

Every photo I take I hate, I feel like my braces are detorting my face, in every “full body picture” I think I look mental and God forbid, “fat”. My relationship with the word fat is something I have been dealing with since I was a late teen and am now a young adult. I would often ask friends before going out, “Do I look fat in this, do I look massive?” Most of the time it was purely out of habit. I look back through my camera roll now, and at photos on other people’s devices, that at the time made my skin crawl.

I was disgusted by my appearance in them. When I see those photos now, I can’t believe I was so hateful toward myself. I would shame myself for not having toned arms, or for looking huge in comparison (that word again) to my friends, even as far as that my knees were disgusting (they’re actually pretty hilarious, I have no idea why they look like they do). 

Cruel

These feelings have come up again this week. I had my picture taken at my Mummy’s 60th birthday party wearing an outfit I thought was fabulous and even had my makeup professionally applied that morning. I haven’t stopped thinking about the photo since Saturday. All I could think about was how rotten I looked and how I hoped I didn’t really look like that in real life. But how can one picture cause me to speak so negatively to myself? It will probably be one of those pictures I look back at in 5 years and think about how cruel I was to 25-year-old me, just like I was to myself at 18 and 21 years of age. 

Gift

I turn 26 next week, a fact I am not willing to accept but more to come on that, and challenging this negative rhetoric in my head is the most important birthday present I can give myself. I don’t want to look back at photos and wonder why I was so unhappy with them. I want to think about the event or memory they represent in a positive light and in a positive head space.