Movie: Escaping Christmas
After my last Christmas film review, Hotel for the Holidays, I didn’t think I would be able to discuss festive entertainment anymore. But before the big day I think I have one last piece in me to critique the Christmas movie industry and of course, it’s my favourite subject, female representation.
So often these films follow successful, powerful female CEOs who often own a toy-making company or something that would lend itself perfectly to small fictional towns. Initially, you think these Hallmark entities are more progressive than modern-day society and the gender inequality felt in the C-Suite. But I wouldn’t get too excited because whilst they portray a blonde or brunette gorgeous woman in power clothing, we don’t get to see her for much longer so forget everything you’ve seen.
Power < Plaid
Success and power don’t carry any weight when the female CEO must return to her hometown which usually has the words, “Pine”, “Lodge” or “Christmas” in their name. Once she has landed, usually not dressed for the climate, she must visit the local general store for a plaid makeover. The first stripping of power has happened, we’ve changed the stilettos for snow boots and so it begins.
My Name is…
Let’s call our CEO Holly and no, don’t roll your eyes at my irony, this tends to be the usual Christmas character’s name probably because, wait for it, she was born at Christmas time. Wow! Who would have thought?
I’d be The Man
Powerful, successful Holly visits her family (if they’re lucky to be alive because Hallmark loves wiping out their characters’ loved ones) who all hate her high-flying and high-paying job. She has become a slave to “the man” whilst not being able to find one for herself or make the time to have children at her age. The bloody cheek, of Holly.
Out of the woodwork
The characters like Holly are usually in their hometown for a certain reason such as the signing of a will, or tracking down an ex to sign the deed to a house or business. Despite any of these circumstances, she is always sure to find a gorgeous man friend (bonus points if he’s a single dad) to who she repeatedly admits she isn’t attracted.
It is even better if the man-friend is literally a long-lost boyfriend or best friend who typically wanes surprise by shouting something idiotic. How could a 13-year-old girl grow up to be this beautiful?! Because it was 15 years since you’ve since her, Matt…Joey, or was it, Andy? I kid you not – all three of the Lawrence brothers were in one (horrendous) Christmas film I watched a few weeks ago.
Where do they find them?
So begins the back and forth between Holly and one of the Lawrence brothers where the man typically suggests that she should move back to her hometown to become a shopkeeper or sometimes even Mrs. Claus because Hallmark knows no bounds on their imagination. Whether she is magic or managerial, Holly needs to give up her life and everything she has worked for, to move back to Christmas Pine Lodge population 102.
Escaping Christmas
Just once I would like to see an alternative ending to these films. I could write it or pitch it. How does this premise sound?
Holly Christmas returns to her hometown of Christmas Pine Lodge (yes, the town was named after her family!) to sign a will for her deceased relative she wasn’t close to. She was inheriting a small fortune.
This creepy guy kept asking her to change her clothes in his shop so he could kit her out in plaid shirts, and jeans and force-feed her hot chocolate and candy canes. Thankfully she escaped and ran into her old friend Billy, she knew they stopped being friends for a reason. Billy hasn’t changed since they were 14, he tells the same stories about the good old days at their school Christmas High and the winter formal.
He asks her to stay and get married after 20 minutes, Holly politely declines and leaves $20 in the tip jar so he can buy himself some plaid. She finally gets to see her family who hatefully slags her life choices and her decision not to marry or have children.
The CEO of Holly’s Toys owns 5 houses across the globe and vacations with the Obamas, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, and told Elon not to buy Twitter. Her life choices are spot-on if you ask me. After a quick cup of green tea and questions about who she thinks she is, Holly leaves her hometown via private jet and returns to her life of power and success.
If the budget allows us, we might get Ryan and Blake for a quick cameo.
It's called Escaping Christmas and is coming to all streaming giants in 2023